645pm on a monday
I'm alone at work now, all my colleagues have gone back. not that i have anything urgent to rush, but i guess, even if i were to go home, there is nothing much that i could do other than watch tv and sleep. i do need sleep actually as it was a rather busy weekend for me, but..nah, nevermind, i'll put off sleep till later.
honestly, i have no idea what to write, but i feel as if i need to write something, i'm trying to figure out what to write whilst writing actually...so bear with me whilst i find my inspiration...
was looking at some pictures during lunch just now, well, pictures of A, and i felt kinda sad. no idea why, i guess i miss her terribly. she looked so happy in the pics that i kinda wished i was with her, beside her and sharing her joy. but then again, i can't. she has a boyfriend now. well, actually, she has had the same boyfriend for the last 2 years. but i just can't let go of her. no idea why.
since looking at her pictures during lunch time until now, i've been preety much depressed. this happens whenever i miss her, then i will take a look at her pictures, then i wish i was with her, then i know i could not, then i get depressed. its a vicious cycle.
damn it. i have been single for the last 2 years not because i have not had the chance to have a relationship, but i knew i can't coz it wouldn't be fair to the new girl as i am pretty much still hung up about A. i have gone out with so many different girls so many times trying to find that spark that had been missing and i still can't find it. ugly ones, sexy ones, loud ones, quiet ones, you name it, i have gone out with them. but i keep thinking that A should be with me and not with her boyfriend. so in the end, i chose not to have a relationship with anyone.
it hurts when i see other couples walk together having a good time. i long for those moments when i was with her, talking to her, laughing, those kinda stuff.
no one has yet been able to replace her. try as i might, i still can't accept any other girl. there is nothing wrong with the girls, i guess its just me, i just can't let go of her.
i think, as long as she is not married, i'll continue being this way and there is just no finalisation on this. there is no end to it. i don't know, i just don't. and honestly, i shudder to think as to how i will be if she gets married. wonder how i will take it. will i take it hard or will i just brush it off. i don't know. and honestly, i'm a bit scared of losing her...as it is, i'm already a mess...damn it, i get all upset if i knew she had gone out with him or they had spent time together, but i hide it as well as i could.....but it hurts like hell inside. but my exterior i hope does not betray the deep hurt inside me...
Dear God, please give me strength and courage, for i am just a weak human, i am already at my wits end on trying to control my emotions and i just do not know when i will fall over the edge, and if i do, please make it as painless as possible. everyday is another test, every call is another test of my emotional strength, and i know that i am getting weaker each day. last time, i know that everytime i fall, i will pick myself up, but now its taking so much strength that i am worried will i ever get up anymore sometimes. God, please help me.
honestly, i have no idea what to write, but i feel as if i need to write something, i'm trying to figure out what to write whilst writing actually...so bear with me whilst i find my inspiration...
was looking at some pictures during lunch just now, well, pictures of A, and i felt kinda sad. no idea why, i guess i miss her terribly. she looked so happy in the pics that i kinda wished i was with her, beside her and sharing her joy. but then again, i can't. she has a boyfriend now. well, actually, she has had the same boyfriend for the last 2 years. but i just can't let go of her. no idea why.
since looking at her pictures during lunch time until now, i've been preety much depressed. this happens whenever i miss her, then i will take a look at her pictures, then i wish i was with her, then i know i could not, then i get depressed. its a vicious cycle.
damn it. i have been single for the last 2 years not because i have not had the chance to have a relationship, but i knew i can't coz it wouldn't be fair to the new girl as i am pretty much still hung up about A. i have gone out with so many different girls so many times trying to find that spark that had been missing and i still can't find it. ugly ones, sexy ones, loud ones, quiet ones, you name it, i have gone out with them. but i keep thinking that A should be with me and not with her boyfriend. so in the end, i chose not to have a relationship with anyone.
it hurts when i see other couples walk together having a good time. i long for those moments when i was with her, talking to her, laughing, those kinda stuff.
no one has yet been able to replace her. try as i might, i still can't accept any other girl. there is nothing wrong with the girls, i guess its just me, i just can't let go of her.
i think, as long as she is not married, i'll continue being this way and there is just no finalisation on this. there is no end to it. i don't know, i just don't. and honestly, i shudder to think as to how i will be if she gets married. wonder how i will take it. will i take it hard or will i just brush it off. i don't know. and honestly, i'm a bit scared of losing her...as it is, i'm already a mess...damn it, i get all upset if i knew she had gone out with him or they had spent time together, but i hide it as well as i could.....but it hurts like hell inside. but my exterior i hope does not betray the deep hurt inside me...
Dear God, please give me strength and courage, for i am just a weak human, i am already at my wits end on trying to control my emotions and i just do not know when i will fall over the edge, and if i do, please make it as painless as possible. everyday is another test, every call is another test of my emotional strength, and i know that i am getting weaker each day. last time, i know that everytime i fall, i will pick myself up, but now its taking so much strength that i am worried will i ever get up anymore sometimes. God, please help me.
posted by FZM at 3/13/2006 06:37:00 PM
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