miserable, tortured and........

hi,
its been sometime since i last wrote my thots in here...i have been meaning to write, but just can't seem to find the energy or put my thots in order.
i'm going to try but excuse me if somehow or rather, the thots are incoherant as i am rather mixed up right now....both personal and working life...
these last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster for me..too many highs and too many lows..but more lows than highs. i had to dissappoint some people whom i am close to and at the same time, i tortured myself to oblivion.
To all those people whom i said no, or i'm not ready or i'm not looking for one at the moment, from the bottom of my heart, i truly and sincerely apologise. If i have led you to believe or felt differently from my words or actions, it had been done without malice nor was it done purposely. I sometimes may not be able to control how i behave or react as i do love and crave the attention which i had for so long lost and i may have found that in some of you, the closeness, the rapport, the warmth, care and the love. it was as if i was transported back to time back to the days when i knew to love and to receive love. I miss that and i guess i found that in some of you. I truly am sorry if i may have misused the comforts or affections that had been given.
I need someone to love, to care and to be affectionate with, i guess when we became close, i found that someone in a few of you. That would explain why i have been behaving that way. I have been sincere in my affections and my caring attitude towards all of you were, is and will forever be genuine and as long as we remain close, it will always be that way. However, if any of you may have felt that you had been cheated in way way or another and wish to severe whatever relationship or friendship we had, i truly do understand.
On another note, last week, after almost 2 years of being single, i kind of opened up myself to someone whom i was rather close to, emotionally, mentally and physically. I thought to myself, this is something new and i started to hope for something with that person. I should have known better, that person had gone thru a similar situation which i had endured a couple of years ago and she had no need for another relationship except for her ex boyfriend. She never knew what i felt as i never told her and i had managed to keep myself in check. Now i know how it feels to be at the receiving end. This rejection or sorts and my current situation have made me bitter towards females. I believe and i want to force myself to believe that i can live without the affections or love of another female. I do not want to get hurt nor do i wish to be in the same situation as to what i am having to go thru this very moment. It hurts too deep and it affects me so much that at times, i feel so lost and lonely and trust me, it is not something which a person would want to endure.
I would sometimes, all of a sudden remember the times i had with my ex, and when i realise that we had broken up, it drives me insane and i would somehow or rather be wondering, what did i do wrong, didn't i love her enough, didn't i care for her enough, didn't i give her enough space, what did i do that wasn't enough?
My current stance at the moment is, to wait for her to come back, somehow or rather, i do not know whether she will. She has a life with another guy and i think she is happy with that other guy as it seems, she has been avoiding me at all cost. I for one, do not how long i will wait, am i doing this for her, am i doing this for myself or is there any other feasible reason why i am doing this. i have no idea. all i know at this moment, any relationship that i may get myself into, i will end up hurting my partner as i am fully aware that if ever my ex were to want me back, i'll just drop the new partner. This is how deeply and madly i love my ex. so to all the girls which i had been close or whom i had turned away the affections, i am doing this for me and for you because i know ultimately what will happen. because of this, i am not sure of whether i am capable of loving anyone else and how long will this feeling of mine last.
I believe i had been scarred in my last relationship, i had loved that person so deeply that i refused to be committed to any other person except for her. i have received more than my fair share of people wanting to get committed or be in a relationship, but i have always steadfastly maintained that i am not looking for one nor am i ready for one. These people are perfect in their own unique ways and i adore each one of them, however, its just me and only me who is at fault for turning away these people.
Am i turning senile? maybe i am..who knows....am i turning into a women hater...maybe...am i happy...definitely no....am i lost...definitely yes..