Langkawi

Morning everyone..

I'm going to Langkawi next week with my mum and 2 nephews. We are leaving on a Friday and will be returning on a Sunday. I was kinda happy to be finally getting out of KL. I need a break of seeing tall buildings, smog and rude drivers. Looking forward to lepaking on pristine beaches, clean air and just hanging out with my family. I know i will dera my nephews. They are so much fun to bully!

That was last nite. Driving to work this morning and thinking of Langkawi, i suddenly realised, the last time i went to Langkawi was with A. I suddenly i was filled with dread.

I'm afraid that all the memories will come flooding back. We were so happy when we were in Langkawi. We went to the aquarium, sat by the beach watching the sunset, had dinner by the beach. I have never ever done so much for a girl except for her. I did because she said, the most romantic a guy could do for her was by bringing her to watch the sunset, i did exactly that, but it was in Langkawi on a day trip.

I'm filled with trepidation now. I'm not sure how i will react once i reach there. I know i will be thinking of the times when we were there. Those were the happiest moments in my life. Now, its just a sad memory of what used to be. I want to go on writing but i dun think i can't. I dun seem to be able to write any coherant thots that i have. Its all jumbled up now.

But i do know one thing. I loved A with all my heart when we were there, and now, after everything that has happened, i still do love A.

645pm on a monday

I'm alone at work now, all my colleagues have gone back. not that i have anything urgent to rush, but i guess, even if i were to go home, there is nothing much that i could do other than watch tv and sleep. i do need sleep actually as it was a rather busy weekend for me, but..nah, nevermind, i'll put off sleep till later.

honestly, i have no idea what to write, but i feel as if i need to write something, i'm trying to figure out what to write whilst writing actually...so bear with me whilst i find my inspiration...

was looking at some pictures during lunch just now, well, pictures of A, and i felt kinda sad. no idea why, i guess i miss her terribly. she looked so happy in the pics that i kinda wished i was with her, beside her and sharing her joy. but then again, i can't. she has a boyfriend now. well, actually, she has had the same boyfriend for the last 2 years. but i just can't let go of her. no idea why.

since looking at her pictures during lunch time until now, i've been preety much depressed. this happens whenever i miss her, then i will take a look at her pictures, then i wish i was with her, then i know i could not, then i get depressed. its a vicious cycle.

damn it. i have been single for the last 2 years not because i have not had the chance to have a relationship, but i knew i can't coz it wouldn't be fair to the new girl as i am pretty much still hung up about A. i have gone out with so many different girls so many times trying to find that spark that had been missing and i still can't find it. ugly ones, sexy ones, loud ones, quiet ones, you name it, i have gone out with them. but i keep thinking that A should be with me and not with her boyfriend. so in the end, i chose not to have a relationship with anyone.

it hurts when i see other couples walk together having a good time. i long for those moments when i was with her, talking to her, laughing, those kinda stuff.

no one has yet been able to replace her. try as i might, i still can't accept any other girl. there is nothing wrong with the girls, i guess its just me, i just can't let go of her.

i think, as long as she is not married, i'll continue being this way and there is just no finalisation on this. there is no end to it. i don't know, i just don't. and honestly, i shudder to think as to how i will be if she gets married. wonder how i will take it. will i take it hard or will i just brush it off. i don't know. and honestly, i'm a bit scared of losing her...as it is, i'm already a mess...damn it, i get all upset if i knew she had gone out with him or they had spent time together, but i hide it as well as i could.....but it hurts like hell inside. but my exterior i hope does not betray the deep hurt inside me...

Dear God, please give me strength and courage, for i am just a weak human, i am already at my wits end on trying to control my emotions and i just do not know when i will fall over the edge, and if i do, please make it as painless as possible. everyday is another test, every call is another test of my emotional strength, and i know that i am getting weaker each day. last time, i know that everytime i fall, i will pick myself up, but now its taking so much strength that i am worried will i ever get up anymore sometimes. God, please help me.

Numb

hi people,

I'm numb. its wednesday and i'm numb..brain dead, soul dead, emotionally drained and physically paralysed. its gotten so bad that i have been freaking reastless today. going out for a fag break every couple of minutes. i've been so non-productive at work today i might as well took leave.

i know it had nothing to do with the fort minor concert i attended last nite with A, i went back early in fact and just watched tv the rest of the nite. so i know thats not an excuse. but what in the world is wrong with me today...

feel like doing something but not sure what, felt like eating something, but no idea what to eat. this is sick i tell you. its like i'm neither here nor there today, floating on air with my head in the clouds. i haven't been stressed or depressed or anything of the sort. i've just been restless.Goddammit!!!

i need to sink my teeth into something. i need to concentrate on something to get me going, but nothing seems to tickle my fancy. so help me god i'm lost!