mentally and physically drained

Hello people,
Just came back from Taiwan and it was a blast! from the players perspective i mean. In terms of organisation, things could have been a lot better.
My team, team xtioneers consisting of Paul, Rashid, Gary, Redza, Danny, Catherine and myself, played our heart out and proud to say we managed to scramble thru to the quarters. sad to say, that even tho we managed to win one game and had two draws, we still did not qualify to the semis. from our group, datis from iran managed o make it to the semis, kudos to them obviously.
We had made really good friends and renewed old acquaintances. Renewed acquaintances with Toon and Eddy from Thailand, Bryon, Deborah and Steven from Dye, Jabba, Toby, Ulrich and Wilfred of the Euro Refs and made new friends with Rex, Dale, Raj, Joyce, Michelle from Taiwan and a lot more whom i can't recall. These people made my time there extra special.
Had dinner with the people from Dye on Saturday and they were really nice people, then had dinner with some of the guys from thailand and had dinner with some people from taiwan on monday.
Also got to know Joyce and Michelle, both malaysians who are studying in taiwan who became our translator, tour guide and friend. Your time with us was invaluable.
Malaysian hospitality even in taiwan was at its best. Goes to show that we malaysians really are a very hospitable bunch of people wherever we are!

Nadya

Hello dear..
I am hoping that you read this as i think i will have to explain to you what the situation really is, as from our conversation, it seems that there was some miscommunication.
I really do not know how and where to start but i know i've got to put it right. The last 2 years of knowing you through the phone and texts has been rather perplexing to say the least. I have not had a relationship based just solely through the telephone. I could only hear your voice and try to decipher the emotions through your voice without any visual aid. So sometimes, its kind of difficult to know how and what you really mean.
I have heard you laugh, i have heard you being upset and angry and i have heard you cry. From your voice i could feel the manjaness, the sadness and the happiness, sometimes i could even picture your smile thru the phone by just listening to your voice, yeah i know its crazy, but it does happen, sometimes.
We have had our ups and downs, i remembered the present you sent, THAT was a very nice suprise, or the scoldings i got from you whenever i go off on one of my crazy diet ideas, about you advising me to eat properly and to drink lots and lots of WATER!!!!!...you have always been very concerned about me, eventho we only communicated thru the phone and i really appreciate that. I know i have been trying my best to be there for you and i know sometimes i fail you horribly.
Seems that you read my blogs recently and have come to a conclusion that i have purposely set out to make sure that whatever we had would never materialise. But you got it wrong dear. you got it so very wrong.
The major difference was that with you, i was the one who pursued and tried my best to get to know you better and to get closer to you. Eventho you have refused to meet up with me countless of times, even until now, i still tried to get to know you better and i tried to be there as best as i can. normally, i wouldn't give a damn if a girl were to treat me the way you treated me as people always say, there are many other fishies in the sea. I concur with that fact, but somehow i was still adamant about getting close to you.
So you see, all this while, i have been pursuing you. thats the major difference. I wanted this, whatever we had, i wanted it and i want more. but as always, you kept your distance.

relationships!

Hi...

I'm sure some of ou must have read my previous posting and how i am in a bind over relationships, this is to put it very midly of course...

well, over the weekend, this topic of relationships came up again and again....

I've got a rather close friend of mine whom, i would say is a more of a playboy type of person than i am, and well, he just dropped a bombshell informing us that he will be getting married next month to his girlfriend whom he has known for about a year...i saw total bliss in his eyes, the sigh of contentment and that kinda look when you are deeply in love, i saw that in his future wife too....the amazing thing is, i never thot this guy would want to settle down this fast, i'be known him for about 3 years and we go out quite often, he never was the sort of person to settle down...and amazingly, he is and will by next month.....congratulations bro...

another thing happened over the weekend too, the next day in fact, well, technically the next day..i was hanging out at heritage row with a couple of friends, some of which i had just met that nite and 1 girl whom i have been going out with, not every day or every couple of days mind you, but like once a week kind of thing...but we have known each other for ages and ages. anyways, a friend of this girl informed me that the girls parents want to hook up with her....how amazing is that! that friend of hers knows the parents very well and thats how her parents told her to tell me if ever she met up with me....so there i was, flabbergasted that someones parents want me to hook up with their daughter, i mean i've only met the parents like once and that was like ages ago!!! anyways...obviously, for those of you who know me, the answer was a resounding NO! dun get me wrong, the girl is a nice person, i like her character and her nonchalant way of looking at things, her fun way of looking at life and her looks....she is as always, perfect in her own very way...but then again, its me who is at fault here....i'm not looking for one....

and last nite...i had the dreaded relationship conversation with my mum again...this never ever fails to crop up whenever we have a talk....there she goes about me getting old and bla and bla and bla....she was commenting me about the girls whom i have been going out with and at the same time i'm updating her about the girls whom i am going out with, but strictly as friends...no more no less.....anyways, bottom line, she wants to see me get married or at the very least have a relationshp so she knows that someone is looking after me...i love my mum with all my heart but i had to break it by saying i'm not ready yet for one....

so in 3 days, i've had 3 different relationship issues or matters that was brought up...amazing aint it.....neways, as my previous posting..not yet....

on another tangent, i'm now in the midst of preparing for my taiwan paintball excursion and we had a brutal training cum skirmish session over the weekened...brutal since we had to go up against some of the best teams available and punishing because we pushed our selves to the limit by playing 9 games in about 4 hours....normally, we play about 6 games on a tourney day, but this was 9! well, we lost 2, so the percentage was not all that bad....so this final 2 weeks before the tournament will be meeting and discussions to finalise all the logistical and tactical stuff....

this week also i'm watching grease with my ex and some of her friends....haven't met her for ages...so i can't wait....i've got to tell her to decide soon on when she wants to go since i need to schedule my paintball meetings around it...

anyways, thats all for now...

miserable, tortured and........

hi,
its been sometime since i last wrote my thots in here...i have been meaning to write, but just can't seem to find the energy or put my thots in order.
i'm going to try but excuse me if somehow or rather, the thots are incoherant as i am rather mixed up right now....both personal and working life...
these last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster for me..too many highs and too many lows..but more lows than highs. i had to dissappoint some people whom i am close to and at the same time, i tortured myself to oblivion.
To all those people whom i said no, or i'm not ready or i'm not looking for one at the moment, from the bottom of my heart, i truly and sincerely apologise. If i have led you to believe or felt differently from my words or actions, it had been done without malice nor was it done purposely. I sometimes may not be able to control how i behave or react as i do love and crave the attention which i had for so long lost and i may have found that in some of you, the closeness, the rapport, the warmth, care and the love. it was as if i was transported back to time back to the days when i knew to love and to receive love. I miss that and i guess i found that in some of you. I truly am sorry if i may have misused the comforts or affections that had been given.
I need someone to love, to care and to be affectionate with, i guess when we became close, i found that someone in a few of you. That would explain why i have been behaving that way. I have been sincere in my affections and my caring attitude towards all of you were, is and will forever be genuine and as long as we remain close, it will always be that way. However, if any of you may have felt that you had been cheated in way way or another and wish to severe whatever relationship or friendship we had, i truly do understand.
On another note, last week, after almost 2 years of being single, i kind of opened up myself to someone whom i was rather close to, emotionally, mentally and physically. I thought to myself, this is something new and i started to hope for something with that person. I should have known better, that person had gone thru a similar situation which i had endured a couple of years ago and she had no need for another relationship except for her ex boyfriend. She never knew what i felt as i never told her and i had managed to keep myself in check. Now i know how it feels to be at the receiving end. This rejection or sorts and my current situation have made me bitter towards females. I believe and i want to force myself to believe that i can live without the affections or love of another female. I do not want to get hurt nor do i wish to be in the same situation as to what i am having to go thru this very moment. It hurts too deep and it affects me so much that at times, i feel so lost and lonely and trust me, it is not something which a person would want to endure.
I would sometimes, all of a sudden remember the times i had with my ex, and when i realise that we had broken up, it drives me insane and i would somehow or rather be wondering, what did i do wrong, didn't i love her enough, didn't i care for her enough, didn't i give her enough space, what did i do that wasn't enough?
My current stance at the moment is, to wait for her to come back, somehow or rather, i do not know whether she will. She has a life with another guy and i think she is happy with that other guy as it seems, she has been avoiding me at all cost. I for one, do not how long i will wait, am i doing this for her, am i doing this for myself or is there any other feasible reason why i am doing this. i have no idea. all i know at this moment, any relationship that i may get myself into, i will end up hurting my partner as i am fully aware that if ever my ex were to want me back, i'll just drop the new partner. This is how deeply and madly i love my ex. so to all the girls which i had been close or whom i had turned away the affections, i am doing this for me and for you because i know ultimately what will happen. because of this, i am not sure of whether i am capable of loving anyone else and how long will this feeling of mine last.
I believe i had been scarred in my last relationship, i had loved that person so deeply that i refused to be committed to any other person except for her. i have received more than my fair share of people wanting to get committed or be in a relationship, but i have always steadfastly maintained that i am not looking for one nor am i ready for one. These people are perfect in their own unique ways and i adore each one of them, however, its just me and only me who is at fault for turning away these people.
Am i turning senile? maybe i am..who knows....am i turning into a women hater...maybe...am i happy...definitely no....am i lost...definitely yes..